


Bokuto's Concerns

by dr_alwaysthiswise



Series: Haikyuu Captain Squad_BroTotally Spies [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humor, One Shot, captainsquad, totallyspiesau
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:42:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28311081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dr_alwaysthiswise/pseuds/dr_alwaysthiswise
Summary: There's an imposter who is disguised as Akaashi?! And if they don't save Akaashi and his beloved, then the world will be destroyed?! It's up to the Captain Squad to save the world once again!
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/OC, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou & Oikawa Tooru & Sawamura Daichi & Ushijima Wakatoshi
Series: Haikyuu Captain Squad_BroTotally Spies [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2073387
Kudos: 1





	Bokuto's Concerns

_Calculate the number of ATPs produced from the catabolism of an 18 carbon saturated fatty acid under aerobic conditions to CO 2 Assume normal P:O ratios for reduced cofactors, list all the pathways in the catabolism and the associated energy molecules with that pathway. In your calculations, show the number of reduced cofactors produced by each pathway, and how many ATP each is worth. _

Answer: who fucking cares.

_Your cells_ care, Kuroo thinks to himself as he writes a big red zero before setting it on the growing pile of other failed quizzes. Seriously, does no one study for biochemistry quizzes? Even if it’s going against the student confidentiality policies and whatnot, Kuroo seriously considers posting their failed assignments everywhere on campus in order to teach them a lesson on wasting his precious time.

Just as Kuroo’s about to grade the next student’s quiz, his floor suddenly opens up underneath him and his seat. Just below him was a chute that would ultimately lead to a certain place. “OH MY GO-- AAAAAAAHHH.” Kuroo starts screaming as he falls through the large chute. (Just because he’s done this many times now, free falling to headquarters was not something he wants to experience everyday).

In a matter of seconds, Kuroo lands in a familiar but unexpected room. Instead of the iconic black sofa and computer with Ushijerry’s face on it, he was actually in one of the Tech department’s lab rooms. Moreover, the person in front of him isn’t Ushijerry, but Bokuto.

“Uh bro, what is-”

Kuroo gets cut off when Bokuto grabs onto his shoulders and yells: “BRO WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY SITUATION. IT’S OPERATION AKAJUN.”

Kuroo freezes at the last word before he grabs onto Bokuto. “Explain. Now. What’s happening to our ship?!”

Bokuto obliges to explain the situation. “There’s a fake Akaashi in Japan. And this fake Akaashi has been seducing women, and killed all of them afterwards. And then fake Akaashi has now become Akaashi, and so he’s going to seduce Akaashi’s girlfriend, and once he is done with her, he can take over the world!”

As much as Kuroo loves his bro, there were way too many Akaashi’s in that explanation for him to understand what he said. But what did he mean about “done with her?”

Kuroo jumps at Ushijerry’s familiar voice that is coming from behind Bokuto: “From my understanding, Bokuto has gotten news of an imposter who specializes in disguising other men, in particular, men who have a female significant other. The reason why he disguises himself like so in particular is because once this extraterrestrial being successfully seduces a female, then he can proceed to kill her. Unfortunately, this imposter has now disguised himself as Akaashi, but it is safe to assume that Akaashi’s imposter will try to kill his significant other in order to take over the world.”

“Er, and how does killing girls equal to taking over the world?” Kuroo asks, still not connecting the dots.

“According to our sources, in order for the extraterrestrial being to take over the world, he has to kill 20 women and use them as sacrifices to offer to their god. Once the sacrifice is accepted, their god will help him take over our world. Presently, the extraterrestrial being has killed 19 women, so quite frankly, we need you to catch him as soon as possible.” Ushijerry explains.

Kuroo gasps once he finally understands: so this imposter is going to not only steal his daughter (Kuroo has unofficially adopted Akaashi’s girlfriend as his child), but he wants to kill her in order to take over the world?!

“How dare he think he can lay his hands on my daughter?! Bro! What are we waiting for, we gotta go save our ship!” Kuroo yells, grabbing onto Bokuto.

“HECK YA. LET’S GO SAVE AKAASHI!” Bokuto yells in response.

Just as they were about to leave the room, they felt someone pull them by the collars, jerking them back. Kuroo and Bokuto land on the floor and their eyes meet Daichi’s dark ones. Kuroo briefly wonders how long Daichi had been in the room.

Daichi sighs as he lets go of their shirts. “You guys need to stop for a minute and listen to what we’re supposed to do. Otherwise, we won’t be able to save Akaashi’s girlfriend and consequently, the world.”

Kuroo doesn’t want to admit it, but of course, Daichi makes a good point. “So we don’t just go beat the guy up and turn him in?” Bokuto asks.

“Well, you’re not wrong, Bokuto. But how else would you find the imposter?” Daichi asks.

Bokuto’s eyes and mouth round as he realizes the tidbit he forgot.

“One limitation this imposter has is that he cannot transform into someone else unless he kills that person’s significant other. So, Tendou has suggested we lure out this imposter by having Akaashi and his significant other go on a date. While they’re on a date, you guys are responsible for following and protecting them from the imposter. If you see the imposter, you must capture and defeat him before he can kill Akaashi’s significant other.” Ushijerry explains.

Kuroo hums in response, and given the plan and the directions, Kuroo thinks this is just a simple bodyguard mission.

“Now, here are the gadgets you guys would need: the shiny-boi sunblock, the lucky ducky all-purpose bird food, your super-flaming-hot communicator, and a bottle of seductively-slick-and-smooth hair gel.”

Kuroo fully believes that Tendou named those gadgets just for the sole purpose of hearing Ushijerry say them.

“Wait, can we have those storage-pocket-safari hats?! I need those to scope out the beast! Plus, I want to store my snacks and other gadgets in there too!” Bokuto asks.

Ushijerry opens his mouth to reply, but Kuroo cuts in. “Bro, no! We’re trying to blend in, not stand out! Who the fuck where’s safari hats in the middle of Tokyo?!”

“But dude, we won’t stand out! Have my ideas ever been wrong?” Bokuto argues back.

Before they can continue to debate over whether to bring safari hats or not, Daichi separates the two from one another, and stands in between them. “Guys, we’ll talk about this later. Also, Ushijerry, Oikawa isn’t here yet. Don’t we need to wait for him?” Daichi asks.

“I was told that he was attending an important event, so I decided not to call him until he was finished with his business. He should be here any second actually.” Ushijerry replies.

Just as he says that, Oikawa flies out from the chute, his brown hair a mess and his limbs sprawled all over the ground. “What the fuck, do you seriously call me just as I was leaving my meeting?!” Oikawa yells.

Ushijerry barely blinks at Oikawa’s dramatic entrance and smoothly addresses him. “Good to see you Oikawa. We have an emergency situation-“

“Hey Shittykawa, we got a new mission with an alien.” Kuroo says, cutting Ushijerry off.

Immediately, Oikawa straightens up and he smooths his messy brown hair down. “Let’s go guys, there’s no time to waste! Ushijerry, give me my gadgets!”

2 hours later…

“I am glad to see you two are very focused, but maybe you guys can cut it back a bit? Nothing has really happened yet.” Daichi asks, and Kuroo frowns in response, his binoculars in hand as he observes Akaashi with his girlfriend.

“You’re exactly right. In fact, it’s because nothing has happened yet that it’s so frustrating! Like what the fuck, shouldn’t they be holding hands right now? They’re on a date, and they’ve been together for two years now. TWO. YEARS. So they’re way past the ‘oh-my-god-should-we-hold-hands’ stage of their relationship.” Kuroo bites out.

“Neko is right! And on top of that, they-BRO, THERE’S A HOSTILE AT 11 O’CLOCK. I REPEAT, A HOSTILE AT 11 O’CLOCK.”

Immediately looking in that direction, Kuroo scowls when he sees a bastard who is approaching his daughter (who is obviously on a date-what the fuck?! Damn Akaashi, if only he held her hand, it would have been more obvious!) “Bastard, who does he think he is?! Bro, hold my binoculars, I’m going to give him a piece of my mind,” Kuroo said.

“No, you are not going to do that because we’re only supposed to observe. Let Akaashi handle this, he’s a man who can defend himself and his girlfriend.” Daichi says, holding Kuroo in place.

“Wow, Kuroo-chan, if we weren’t briefed on who the actual bad guy is, I would have thought that you were the imposter.” Oikawa says, leaning against the tree that’s behind them, tipping his safari hat down his face.

( _Yes, Bokuto convinced Tendou to let them wear safari hats for this mission, rather than their snapbacks. He even stuck leaves on because they need to blend into the shadows, where no one will notice them...Unfortunately, in the middle of the day, 4 guys in colorful tracksuits -- one hanging onto a tree like a koala -- wearing leaves stuck on safari hats were the direct opposite of sneaky and they were definitely being noticed by everyone in the vicinity.)_

“Leaf! You can’t call Neko by his name! We need to be sneaky, and we have to keep our identities secret!” Bokuto loudly “whispers.”

Oikawa glares up at Bokuto. “First of all, we stand out like a fucking Christmas tree. And second of all, why the hell am I _Leaf_?! Your code names aren’t plants, so why am I _Leaf_?!”

“Ehh, it’s because your high school didn’t have an animal mascot like us? And your team color was green and white, so therefore, you’re Leaf!” Bokuto explains, obviously proud of his creative code name for Oikawa.

“What the hell, why couldn’t I have been Grand King then?!” Oikawa asks.

“Cause we don’t want a hierarchy?” Daichi offers.

“I’m already at the bottom of this hierarchy by being called _Leaf_!” Oikawa complains, throwing his hands up into the air.

“Oi, can’t you guys shut up? We’re on a mission here, and if we get distracted, our targets will die and the world is going to blow up.” Kuroo hisses, his eyes not leaving the bastard who is being too overly familiar with his daughter.

“Dude, they barely moved.” Oikawa comments.

“His arm is around her shoulder.”

“That’s…look, Akaashi is talking him off, and she pushed his arm away.” Daichi points out. 

“...Oi Leaf, lend me your gun, I’m going to shoot him.”

“Stop calling me Leaf!”

“Bro! You can’t shoot my bro!” Bokuto cries out.

“Bokuto! Be quieter!” Kuroo says. 

“I AM quiet.”

“YOU’RE THE LEAST QUIET OF US ALL.”

Right at that moment, a strong wind blows, and while Bokuto clings on to the tree branch, his safari hat flies off and hits the guy square in the face. And since Bokuto left his bottle-of-seductively-slick-and-smooth hair gel in the storage-pocket-safari hat, the bastard gets knocked out.

Everyone looks at Bokuto, who gapes at his lost hat. “Nooo my safari hat, now I’m out in the open.”

Kuroo looks over to the couple, both of whom are just staring back with deadpan expressions, the sneaky safari hat in Akaashi’s hands, with a random guy knocked out by a heavy hair gel gadget.

~~~~~~~~

5 hours later…

After Akaashi lectures Bokuto (“Bokuto-san, I know that you are on an important mission, but can you please try to act like a spy? And yes, we definitely saw you spying on us; you were hanging on a tree and yelling at everyone else”), the PIES resumed their mission, following them to the movie theater, a pet cafe, and finally, to the open-public concert serving free ice cream.

At the concert, the four of them are situated in different locations: Daichi is sitting in the audience (since he’s the only mature and responsible one who Akaashi will allow to sit in close proximity), Oikawa is at the ice-cream vendor (making childish faces at the children who come near him), Bokuto in a tree (just because he wants to), and Kuroo is standing nearby the concert platform, acting as a security guard.

The communicator in his ear buzzes before Kuroo hears Daichi’s voice. “I’m going to do roll call now. Please give me some response as I call your name. Owl?”

“I’M READY TO FIGHT CROW.”

Kuroo winces at Bokuto’s loud voice, and he knows everyone else was probably making a similar face as he is.

“Neko?” Kuroo hears Daichi call.

“Present, Crow.” Kuroo replies.

“Leaf, do you copy?”

There was a brief moment of silence before a grumpy “...yes.” was heard over the comms.

Kuroo hears Bokuto snicker, and then Oikawa starts shouting about how unfair it is, and he will get his revenge.

It wasn’t until the concert finishes and everyone is departing that Akaashi’s girlfriend excuses herself for a bit. The five minutes that Akaashi and his girlfriend are apart is when the villain shows himself.

“Evil Akaashi seen. I repeat, Evil Akaashi sighted at 2 o’clock. I’m moving in first to intercept. Will require assistance and support.” Kuroo says as he moves through the crowd and follows the evil Akaashi twin.

“Copy Neko. Leaf and I will be there in 330 seconds.” Daichi says.

Kuroo tunes out Oikawa’s whines and complaints about his code name, running as quickly as he can to get to the imposter. Just as the villain reaches out, Kuroo grabs the villain by the collar and pulls him back. Kuroo finds himself face to face with evil Akaashi. “What are you planning on doing to my daughter and my future-son-in-law?!” Kuroo says, glaring down at the evil alien.

Evil Akaashi shows a brief moment of surprise, but then gives Kuroo an evil smirk. “Ho? Your daughter is she? Didn’t know that she had a crazy and weird looking dad like you. Does your daughter appreciate her father stalking her in an old-man suit?”

His gaze gestures to Kuroo’s red tracksuit outfit and the safari, and Kuroo makes a mental note to punch Tendou and Bokuto. “Hey, this old-man suit is state-of-the-art spy gear, despite how it looks.”

Evil Akaashi laughs. “Hah? A spy?! If you’re a spy, then I must be the prime minister.”

Kuroo feels his eyebrow twitch in annoyance. “Oh, don’t say I didn’t warn you, you evil alien.” Kuroo says.

Kuroo then punches the guy in the face. Startled, the alien is pushed back. Kuroo then throws a second punch, but this time, his fist skims evil Akaashi as he dodges and grabs his arm before locking him down onto the ground with his elbow on the back of his neck. “Shit!” Kuroo curses under his breath.

“Yeah, you’re doing a pretty shitty job for a spy, crazy-.” evil Akaashi gets cut off just as Kuroo feels the pressure release from his neck.

Finally able to breathe, Kuroo immediately stands, and looks to see Evil Akaashi on the ground with hair gel on the back of his head, and the real Akaashi above him, holding Bokuto’s bottle-of-seductively-slick-and-smooth hair gel in his hand. “Kuroo-san, I thought you guys were spies; how come you can’t throw a proper punch?” real Akaashi asks, his eyes expressing judgment and disappointment.

“Hey I can throw a punch! I just got distracted!” Kuroo says and he quickly moves forward to handcuff evil Akaashi. “And how much strength do you have in that body of yours? And where did you get that can?!”

“Huh? Didn’t you know that an alien’s weak spot is the back of their head, and that they’re deathly allergic to hair gel? If you just spray him with hair gel, you can quite easily knock him out. Shouldn’t you guys have already learned this already?”

Kuroo now understands why they were given that bottle of hair gel.

And Kuroo has decided that Akaashi is perfect for his daughter, and will be very good at protecting her.

Kuroo grasps onto Akaashi’s hand and looks at him in all seriousness before he says: “Akaashi, you’re perfect. You gotta marry my daughter.”

Akaashi only stares and looks down at his hands before he says: “Kuroo-san, I don’t remember my girlfriend’s dad looking like you. And also, please let go, my hands are solely for her, not for you.”

Hearing this, Kuroo’s eye twitches, before he yells: “THEN WHY HAVEN’T YOU HELD HANDS AT ALL TODAY?!”

OMAKE:

“Excuse me sirs, but may I ask why you guys were stalking the couple on the roof?” police officer Shinazugawa asks, staring down at Kuroo, Bokuto, and surprisingly, Oikawa.

“Officer, I’m just looking out for the safety of my daughter and future son-in-law.” Kuroo says seriously.

“Wait, why are there three of you then?” he asks.

“We’re interested parties all concerned about the safety of his daughter and his future son-in-law who is also my best bro.” Bokuto responds.

Oikawa mumbles something about “interested parties” but the officer Shinazugawa doesn’t entirely catch his mutterings.

“...Alright, and why the roof?”

The officer shivers when he sees Kuroo and Bokuto’s creepy grins and he almost wishes he didn’t ask when both of them respond at the same time: “It’s best for surprise attacks.”


End file.
